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Who: 800 Octane
When: Oct 27th, 2002
What: DESTROY SWANK!
800
Octane, the Portland based punk group,
recently asked for help from their fans. They asked people to submit ideas about
how they should best go about destroying multiple copies of their first cd-Swank.
They took the best ideas, and sent out invites to the lucky winners announcing a
date and a time that the acts of destruction would commence. My biz
partner and I headed up to Portland on a gray Sunday morning with a trunk full
of firearms to do our part to help them out.
If you have to drive to Portland (a 3 hour trip)
at 7:30 in the morning, I recommend NOT staying up until 4 playing poker and
cleaning guns. You will need the sleep. We arrived at lead singer/bassit Dave's
house at the requested time of 11am, only to find a houseful of sleepy people.
The night before 800 had performed with GWAR, as was evident from the goo
encrusted head of one of their houseguests. We sat down to watch Return of the
Living Dead, always a fine way to start a Sunday morning, while we waited for
the other people who would be smashing things with us to show. One movie later
it was just myself, Jon, and the 4 members of the band. Everyone else either
couldn't make it due to work, car problems, or just that they were sissies. We loaded up the gear,
and the 350 cd's we'd be destroying and hit the highway.
One Honda Accord:
2 comic geeks (P.J.,
Jon)
2 H&K USP40 .40 pistols
1 flattop AR15 .223 assault rifle
1 CAR15 .223 assault rifle
1 Norinco .223 AK style assault rifle
1 Franchi LAW12 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun
1 Mossburg 500 shorty 12 gauge pump shotgun
350 copies of Swank
Lighter Fluid
Lots of ammunition
One Dodge Tahoe:
4 rock stars (Dave,
Eric, Justin, Dan)
1 Benelli M1 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun
1 Franchi SPAS12 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun
1 AR15 with heavy barrel and bipod
Lots of ammunition
An insane amount of time later (those big city
boys have to drive a long way to reach an acceptable shooting area) we parked
the cars somewhere east of P-town, and started unloading the guns (10), the cds
(330), some lighter fluid (12 oz), and the ammo (700+ assorted rounds by my
estimate). The day was gray and rain drizzled down but we were undaunted. We set up several dozen individual cds on a hillside, and
duct taped
more to trees to make acceptable static targets.
CD's lined up, 5 of the shooters, Dave instructs Dan.
Dave took a few moments to instruct the firearm
virgins on the proper safety measures to take. Participants all donned eye and
ear protection, and we began blasting. We're all terrible shots, and many of the
static target cd's remained intact. So we moved closer and took out some more,
before wandering up to inspect the damage and do a light cleanup of the area. At
this point it was decided to line up stacks of cd's to determine just how many
sealed cases it would take to bulletproof ones home. 14+ cd's would be necessary
to stop a round of .40 full metal jacket.
Cd's piled up, and the lucky cd that stopped a bullet.
Many more would be necessary to stop 12 gauge
buck, or a round of .223. We say stick to Kevlar when bulletproofing your house.
Deciding that target shooting at individual cd's was no fun we dragged an entire
box of swank (180+ cd's) over to our target area, and lined up four guys with
shotguns. The box exploded quite nicely, and we all reloaded to make sure no cd
went untouched. Being responsible shooters we piled as many of the fairly intact
cd's as we could back into a box to dispose of them properly. Those that remained we
pushed into a small pile, shot them some more, then lit them on fire. The glee
in the bands eyes as they watched these things burn was easy to see. I did fear
that the gas being expelled by Justin (who is officially the gassiest man I've ever
met) would start a small forest fire, but things stayed well under control. We
may have inhaled a bit too much of the black smoke from the burning plastic
however, but one must make sacrifices. We covered the burning remains with dirt
and made sure the flames were out, then headed back into Portland for the climax
for the day.
The pile of destroyed cd's, the band enjoying the sweet
warmth.
800 Octane is a killer band for many reasons.
Their superb music, their incredible live shows, their love for their
fans, they're some of the nicest guys I've ever met, they're not so full
of themselves that they'd object to destroying 350 copies of their own cd, and the fact
that their bassist owns a tank. A wheeled Ferret Mk. 2/3 Armored Scout
Car to be specific. The Ferret is a 4 ton vehicle built for the British armed
forces in the 1950's, and there's approximately 100 available in private hands
in the United States. Dave's is probably one of the nicest examples available,
as they've just finished a 6 month long refinishing job. Everything looks brand
new on the tank, from the seat risers to the deactivated .30cal machinegun in
the turret. Dave graciously took us up to Vancouver where his tank had just been
completely refinished, and I must say it is very very pretty. Jon hopped into
the turret with Dave in the drivers seat and they headed down to the closest gas
station to fill 'er up. They returned, and it was my turn to hop in the turret
seat. After donning a helmet and getting instructions from Dave ("If a cop
comes behind us you have to let me know so I can pull over, because I can't see
to the rear.") we took off for a spin around the block. It was freezing
cold that night, the ride was kind of bumpy and uncomfortable because tanks
aren't meant for comfort, and we didn't get to scare anyone, but it was one of
the coolest things I've ever done. I'm now saving up for my very own tank,
because then I'll be cool.
Me in the tank, Dave-Dan-Eric-PJ, Jon in the tank.
Dan and Eric then got their chance to take a spin
in the tank, and on the final run of the evening we laid out 40 or so of the
still intact cd's for the tank to run over and smash to bits. I was a bit let
down, as it didn't do nearly as good a job smashing the cd's as I expected. A
four ton vehicle didn't do a whole lot of damage to a sealed cd jewel case. Dave's
tank also has a feature not included on the standard military issued tanks: a
device that plays ice cream truck music. Completely awesome. Everyone who rode
the tank returned with a giant grin from ear to ear. Tanks are neat.
We grabbed some food at the Montage and picked up
my car and headed back to Bend, tired, sore in the shoulders, and completely
happy after a long day of shooting, mass destruction, macaroni and cheese, mad
dog, mud pie, and tank rides.
Thanks 800!
(My pics turned out like CRAP!)
