I get a lot of freaks in the store. Today I had a fellow in trying to sell me his sports cards. Now we don’t buy cards at all. AT ALL. And when I tell people this they always say the same thing: “But I gots some real good ones.” And ya know what? They never do. They have early 90’s crap that I still have sealed in packs after 11 years. But I usually try to be nice and at least politely thumb through their crap. Because hey, the customer is occasionally right. So today when this dirty redneck comes in and proudly puts his dusty shoebox on my counter as if it’s full of gold and ambrosia I knew what was coming next:

“I gots some cards for you to buy.”

“I’m sorry, we don’t buy cards.”

“Whut?”

We just don’t buy single cards.”

“Whut, when’d you stop?”

“Well, we never did actually. And we’ve owned the store for two years, and I’ve worked here for the 5 prior to that. I’ve never bought cards.”

(This is usually a pretty blatent hint stating the following: We don’t buy cards, we never have, I’m the owner and my word is law so don’t ask for the manager, and finally you obviously haven’t been in here in the past 3-6 years or you’d know that we DON’T BUY CARDS)

“I gots some really good ones though. I’ve got some Bo Jacksons.”

(At this point if it’s not busy in the store I’ll usually be nice and at least flip through their cards.)

“Ok, lessee whatcha got here.”

And with that I pick up the first few cards. And here’s where the fun begins, although I’d only meant to pick up a ¼ inch stack of cards, I wound up pulling a good two inches at once because they were all stuck together. Bringing them to my nose I detected the faint disgusting odor of stale beer. I didn’t even bother to look at the rest and told the customer:

“These aren’t worth anything in this condition.”

“Whut? Why not, they’re ten years old!”

“But they’re all stuck together with what smells like stale Bud.”

“Hell they unstuck good though, lookit this.”

With that he proceeds to “unstick” the cards. Ripping them, and tearing the paper. Turning them from a nicely shaped brick of crap to a messy pile of crap.

“No, those aren’t worth anything.”

“Well, where else in town buys?”

They always, ALWAYS, ask that. And I know that no one else in town is buying, and especially not his box of smelly shit cards. But my years of experience has told me that these people won’t listen until they’ve been told the same thing a few times so I send them to my competitors. And shit, I had to deal with this dumb bastard, why shouldn’t they? Sharing the fun, I’m a generous guy.